Springtime self-improvement list
She’s here! She’s here! Mother Spring is here!
But she’s disappointed in you. You haven’t been pleasing Father Husband. You’ve let yourself go. Your pallor is off-putting. During Family Bath, you do not scrub your sin spots with vim and vigor.
The Spring Sisterwives have been talking, and it’s time to make a change. They’re putting you on a SPIP (Sisterwife Performance Improvement Plan). If you fail to meet the requirements of the SPIP before the summer solstice there will be consequences. You’ve been warned. The Family will not suffer a weak link.
Hahaha, April Fools (pretend this was written 7 days ago)! Did I getchya?
Seriously though, I love the fresh energy and optimism that springtime brings. The miracle of new life from all the animals and bugs having sex really gets me excited to make some changes of my own.
In honor of the season, here’s my First Annual Springtime Self-Improvement List:
1) Start keeping a gratitude journal
It’s important to make note of the blessings in your life.
2) Get a cool new hairdo
Here’s an inspo pic I found on Pinterest. This model is way hotter than me though (maybe AI??) so I might not be able to pull off the style.
3) Become better at art somehow
LMK if anyone knows how to do this.
4) Begin worshipping a false prophet
Bonus points if the prophet conveniently begins invading your home at the same time each year.
5) Figure out what I’m doing with my life
Again, LMK if anyone knows how to do this.
6) Revive a cold, lifeless fly with sugar water and kindness
JK already did this one!
7) Get in shape
This rock hard Target butt is my #MondayMotivation.
8) Disappear under mysterious circumstances, assume new identity as Tony the Mechanic, become target of a class action lawsuit after ruining hundreds of cars and endangering lives, dramatically remove wig and reveal true identity in court, get BIG gasp from the crowd then everyone laughs and lawsuit is thrown out, return home with new appreciation for humdrum life
Maybe Tony has a brief fling with an old battle axe of a waitress named Deb and/or Flo? I dunno, just spitballin’ here.
9) Eat more fruits and vegetables
(Remove cartoon genitals first.)
